Ueno Zoo

I'm against zoos in principle. What a cruel life to impose on an animal, big or small. If you're not gonna eat 'em, let 'em alone in the wild, I say. That being said, in true hypocritical form I went to the Ueno Zoo to see the pandas. First, the usual suspects:

Here's a great idea - let's cage the hell out of the giraffes, but leave the rhinos in the open.

No safer place than squeezed between two elephant asses.

Silly monkeys!

Give this guy a fez and call me Aladdin.

Wow. This guy is probably the most depressed looking animal I've ever seen - and I watch an obscene amount of Discovery and National Geographic. Bring back the silly monkeys!

I never saw March of the Penguins, but I'm sure Tokyo wasn't on their list of places to visit. Unbelievably, these guys were outdoors! The tepid pool water must work wonders for their metabolism. And those colored ID bands - tres chic.

Okay, keeping penguins outdoors was a stretch. But come on, polar bears? The weather was high 80's and more humid than the air between your balls and your briefs. These guys barely even look like polar bears anymore; skeletons of their former artic magnificence. I especially like the faux-iceberg airbrushed decor - like that's helping them any. Next time I get dehydrated I'll just draw a picture of a giant glass of iced tea and frame it.

The gorilla was a lot of fun. He sort of strolled up to the glass, sat down, and rested an elbow on the windowsill, staring all the while at this little kid frozen in place; pretty much the same thing I'd do if a little kid wandered up to the side of my house and stood there blankly staring in. I kept waiting for him to say "what, damnit!?"

From a short distance, this sign appears to encourage banging on the glass and throwing objects into the "habitats." The necessary "X" is laughably hazy. But little kids have better sense than that, so we're safe.

This was in the lion cage. Subtle.

After making a protracted tour around the zoo seeing the various abominations of animal rights, I finally came to the pandas. The prized bear of Asia. The giant but docile herbivore who, left undisturbed by humans, would probably be content nibbling on bamboo and fornicating. Here's her cousin, the red panda, a cute but unforgivably raccoon-looking relative:

I figured the pandas would receive royal treatment, being such a rare entity in the world; literally the symbol of wildlife conservation. And yet...

...pacing aimlessly in a sterile, washroom like holding cell, without the warmth of the sun, or, as it would appear, her caretakers. A crowd of thirty or so eager visitors crowded the underpass where she bides her time chewing bamboo leaves off a tiled floor instead of gently bending shoots, ambivalent to the coos and giggles of tourists snapping away without concern or consideration. I made sure my flash was off, and then quickly left.

Here I thought pandas were somewhat of a zoo celebrity - that's the last time I take anything from Anchorman as gospel truth. I only hope they are treated better in communist China.